Out of the valley, up on the mountain top

***this post posted out of order, I guess because I wrote them out of order. I thought they'd post in publish order not written order...but anyway. This is before "time on the ranch"

As I left off, our trip was fully funded and then some and we were pumped about it!
We had a loong time after all the planning to wait.

I've debated on posting this, as it is very personal. But, I know I'm not alone. And often people who are struggling with this feel very alone. So if you do, you aren't. Ever. Do not believe that lie.

I have struggled with anxiety and panic for years.  I have always had anxiety/worry issues, but panic made itself at home during the struggle and hard walk with my mom in 2010-2012.  It was really bad. I was medicated for awhile, and then I turned to Jesus for help.  In 2012 I started the journey of healing that I am still on, through a couple of bible studies (one was a first place for health study on hope, the other an inductive bible study on Romans) that greatly impacted me and prepared me for healing.  I was healed of panic and anxiety one night at church.  I knew that I was free. Healed. Amazed.  Thank you Jesus - by his stripes I am healed! Maybe someday I will blog about that healing and the journey.

But the accuser doesnt like that, and he knows I have a weakness there. He likes to exploit it.  If I am not careful, staying in the word and keeping the armor on, he can find a chink quickly and try to drag me back into the pit.

This summer, I had ZERO anxiety about the trip.  I had total peace.  God's peace was on me and I was looking forward to it.  One Wednesday night at church, I felt the old feeling of rising panic.  It was one of those nights where the pastor asked the congregation to get into groups and pray for each other.  This in the past has caused a flight response in me - I have fled from the sanctuary more than once.  I'll blog about that prayer issue sometime in the future too - I know I have to, but not tonight.
I decided to run this night. I KNEW it was warfare, but I still planned to run. But, right as I made that decision, one of the spiritual warfare/prayer warriors from our church sat down on the end of my row. She never sits there. She always sits front row.

I knew I had to go to her. So when we were to get in groups, I immediately turned to her.  I told her what was going on, how I had been healed, and if I had been healed why now?? She instantly pulled a group together and prayed for me with hands on my shoulders.  I was so grateful the Lord put her in that row - He KNEW I was about to run, and that I needed to come to him. Had she not been there I would not have brought it back to Him that night and I'm sure it would have been a spiral down again.

Before our trip, the accuser tried to shake my peace.  Several times.  I could identify it. Its kind of funny now. There are several examples, but the one that sticks out as the most outrageous I will illustrate. A coworker out of the blue came up to me and asked me if I remembered when another coworker died suddenly several years ago.  We had heard he died of a heart attack in his sleep - she said "Did you know he really died of altitude sickness??" She knew I was going to Honduras - she did not know I was going 5000+ feet.  I remember saying really?  wonder why it came up now? She said I dont know, somebody asked somebody else who asked me and I thought, hmm, if anyone knows its you! I said well, I didn't know you COULD die of altitude sickness, thanks, since Im going to 5000 feet in three days.  The look on her face was priceless.  She apologized and hoped she didn't scare me.  I assured her she didn't. She walked away and I said to myself, "alright satan, is that the best you have left to come at me with?  Death by altitude sickness??!"

That wouldn't be the end of the attacks from satan for this trip.  We arrived in Honduras, and thoroughly enjoyed our time there. The Lord had his hand on our little team, and His presence and love for us and the people of Honduras, on the ranch and part of the ministry was overwhelming. It was like a spiritual retreat with some work thrown in for good measure.    On our 5th full day, he came at me again - and this time a full fledged panic attack set in on me. It was after a great day in the community, and then we stopped by a beautiful waterfall.

We climbed down, which is the easy part. As a water quality biologist, I was very curious. We explored, I looked for bugs in the water. The climb back out was strenuous. When we got back to the ranch I was very shaky,with some low blood sugar probably. They got me some pineapple juice, but by this point my heart was racing,and I was in a full attack. They are so strange. Part of my brain recognizes it, and the other part is convinced I'm going to die right there. Even though the first part is telling me "you are ok!"  I have scripture I quote in the battle:

"I have not given you a spirit of fear, and timidity, but of power love and discipline" 2 Tim 1:7

 Our team was so precious, I had told a couple of them it was a battle I waged sometimes - so when I went the two other ladies and told them what was happening, they instantly took me by the hand and we prayed right there for satan to "Be gone" and he was. Just like that it was over. Thank you Jesus for not leaving me!

Another installment I will blog about the trip, the ministry, the beautiful people of Honduras and the country.

Time at the Ranch....

Our trip to Honduras was simply amazing.  Our trip was in August, and I don't think a day has passed that I haven't thought about something or someone tied to the trip or the mission team. The faces of the beautiful children that live at the ranch, the missionaries that love on them, and the people we met in the community float through my mind.  For all of them I pray.  I pray that they know God loves them. That he sees their pain, struggles and need.  That He will provide for them.  The whole trip touched me in ways that I'm still processing.

We were a small team, and apparently uniquely qualified for something they'd never done before our team came.  We were given all the kids for a full day, so the missionaries could have missionary care for a full day.

I can't post a lot of pictures, because they asked us not to post pictures of the kids faces at the ranch. We spent the day with them and had a lot of fun.  It was nice to get to know them one on one, and as a group a little bit.  These sweet kids are amazing. They have been through a lot, and you can see it in their eyes.  But God loves them SO much.  I wished I was better at explaining that - they are so loved, even when I'm sure it doesn't feel like it.

We painted nails, painted suncatchers, made bows and arrows, played on the playground, played cards and talked. I made a few balloon animals that I knew how to make, and a couple of the kids taught me a few more they knew. They taught us a bottle top game. we had one little one hide, but one of the older ones was able to talk him out of his hiding spot.

One of the older girls taught me a new balloon animal.  I've added it to my list of ones I can do now!

The children taught us this game with bottle tops.  I am still not certain of all the rules, but they indicated I was getting the hang of it. :)

We also had some time doing nails and hair extensions.  Don't worry friends, this was not my group - I know better.  ha.

The men made bows for I believe everyone that wanted one, and they had a great time shooting the arrows that were brought by a team member, as well as making more from sticks. 

It was a great day, the kids really are great.  I was able to talk to a few of the older girls, about hopes and dreams.

These sweet kids need your prayers.  Their mentor families, counselors, teachers and other missionary support staff do too.  They also need support.  If you are so led, you can buy cloud forest coffee in support of the ministry, directly support a mission family or even sponsor a child.  You will be blessed.  You can find more information at World Gospel Outreach. The coffee is awesome, if you are a coffee drinker.  A small thing, but it really helps!

I'd go back tomorrow if given the chance!

When God Calls

When God calls you to do something, do you do it?  I don't always.  I like to tell my friends I need a 2x4 to the head to get my attention. I want to share a story of a command I was given that I ignored - but eventually said yes too.

International Missions.

I had never even had a remote call for international missions.  I knew that my oldest daughter had- since about 5 mins after she was saved. "mom when I can travel to the world to tell people about Jesus?" was her question.  I read Kisses From Katie and saw my daughter in Katie.  That scared me.

I have friends and members of my small group that go on international mission trips.  I loved hearing their stories.  But I also loved going to We Will Go down town, and hearing stories about local mission work.  The power of Jesus is simply overwhelming.

Late in Feb of 2014, I saw in the church worship guide that there was a meeting that night about an upcoming trip to Honduras for orphan care, at Rancho Ebenezer, part of World Gospel Outreach. I remember thinking, how cool! Our church sends teams literally around the world - but this was a first for Honduras. I felt a little sense of "you should go to the meeting" but I brushed it aside. Me? What? I'm not an evangelist, I don't have the money for mission trips.  I'm an introvert, how can I POSSIBLY share the gospel with people I do not know?!

Later that same day, I was back at church because my youngest daughter had choir practice.  I was sitting in a chair in the hallway when a couple I didnt know came up the stairs. This is not uncommon in a church our church's size.  They asked me if I knew where the meeting about Honduras was.  I did.  I read it in the worship guide, remember?  I showed them how to get there.  Again I hear "you should go".  But I said NO.  I'm sitting there, minding my own business, when our missions pastor comes out of the room and comes down to where I am sitting.  He asks me if anyone else looking for him, because he felt like someone else is supposed to be at this meeting.  I said, no I haven't seen anyone else, but if I do I will send them your way.  The only thing the Lord didn't do was write on the walls with his hand or drag me by the collar down the hall.  I mean I really wouldn't have been shocked if a donkey walked up to me and started talking, you know what I mean?

My daughter finishes and we leave to head home.  Its still on my mind though. I cant sleep that Sunday night.  I toss and turn and all I hear was I said to go the meeting.  So the next morning I tell my husband that I didn't know why I was supposed to go to the meeting, but I was, so I needed to email the missions pastor and tell him.

I emailed him and told him the whole story - and he sent me all the information from the meeting and agreed to pray with and for me while I prayed for God's direction.  I was SCARED.  TERRIFIED.
Why me?  I'm not anything special faith wise.  We don't have this kind of money! I wrestled with it all week.  But the direction was clear. Go.  The deposit was $200.

That Thursday was the last day before payday for the month . I don't know about your budget, but by the last day before payday, I know exactly how little we have or should have left.  By this time, all our commitments have been meet and we are ready for the next month.  I checked in our account to make sure all was well - as I have habit to do in this day of debit cards and electronic movement of money and fraud - and we had EXACTLY $200 more than we should have had at that point in our pay period.  Exactly.  I had a moment of "what did we forget' and went over our month's transactions probably 15 times to make sure all was well. It was.  There is no explanation for that money other than God wanted it there. None. I know some readers will think that's nuts or I miscalculated.  But I know some readers who've experienced God's provision monetarily first hand will be like AMEN! GOD MATH! Well, at that point I decided I didn't want to risk one of the dogs talking to me like the donkey in the old testament, and filled out my application and took the deposit up to church.

After I submitted it, my husband said he was led to send our oldest daughter with me.  I had thought that this trip was to prepare me for the day she left for missions, but maybe she was to go as well.  So I emailed the missions pastor again, and he told me that the minimum age was 14 - which she would only be 13.  I was discussing this with my small group leader - who goes to a different church - and she said to have him ask the ministry again, because she was going ot the SAME PLACE in June and they were taking younger kids with them.  So I did, and we got word from the ministry that she could go. So I filled out her application and paid her deposit.  We were off to the races! I had the payment schedule, which seemed insurmountable to me at the time.  It was the first part of March.  We had these payments to make, passports to acquire, vaccines to research - it was a lot to do and be able to fund.

We designed a tshirt to sell, planned a yard sale, and wrote support letters.  Friends and family provided funds instantly, we had support from another church, we had an over abundance of donations for our yard sale - good stuff too, and money just poured in to cover our trip in such away that we were in awe. It was very good for my kids - they saw just what God can do, in a tangible way.  30 days after I said yes, God and provided every cent we needed. Including the deposits back, and money for the passports, things we needed to buy, even the vaccines.

I went out of town for work and my luggage was damaged.  I said out loud to my husband "we will need new luggage now" and the next day there was a card and $200 from a friend in the mail - with the note she felt like we just might need a little more for our trip.  Even the spending money we took with us was handed to me right before we left. It was simply amazing.

All I did was say Yes.  Yes isn't hard to say, unless you are scared. No is much easier to say in fear.

So if the Lord is calling you to say yes, just do it. Whatever it is, say yes. He will make the way, He will provide, and He will not leave you alone.

Next: A trip out of the valley and up the mountain.

Labels - We all wear them

Child of God

Mom. 

Wife

Biologist

Recovering Feminist

Pro life

Labels.

Little boxes we either place ourselves in, or others place us in. 

Do you have labels for yourself?  I do. Do they differ when you are have a good day or a bad day? (or  change by the hour or mood?) Mine can. The accuser can get a hold of my mind and before I know it, I'm in the pit of despair. Am I alone here?  Talking to just a few people I know makes me think I'm not. 

Good day: 

Child of God

Saved

Mom

Compassionate

Friendly

Smart
Enough

Bad Day: 

Fat

Failure

Ugly

Stupid

Alone

Unworthy

Sinner
not enough

A couple of not so nice ones as well

But the accuser is just that, an accuser.  Father of LIES. John 8:44 
If someone walks up to us, that you KNOW is a liar, one of those liars grandma might have said "if their lips are a movin they a lyin" do you believe them when they speak? I don't.  I usually listen and in my head I'm saying "Liar liar pants on fire".  So why do we listen to Satan.  God's word says he is the father of lies. Yet when he talks I am quick to think "oh really"? and before I know it I am in the pit believing everything he says about me to me. 
John 8:44 also says "there is no truth in him" talking about the accuser.  NO TRUTH IN HIM. Which means, "if his lips are movin' he's a lyin'".  

If we are in Christ,  there is a long list of "labels" we are given by the Father.  

Loved by God Romans 1:7, Eph 2:4, Col 3:12
His workmanship created in Christ Ephesians 2:10
More than a conqueror Romans 8:37
Complete in Him Col 2:10
Alive with Christ Eph 2:12
Free from the law of sin and death Romans 8:2
Have the mind of Christ 1 Cor 2:16
Can do all things through Christ Philippians 4:13
A new man Col 3:9-10
Joint heir with Christ Romans 8:17
Chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a purchased people I Pet 2:9
Light of the world Matt 5:14
Healed by the stripes of Jesus I Pet 2:4
Raised up with Christ and seated in the heavenly places Eph 2:6
Rescued from darkness Col 1:13
Ransomed Isaiah 43:1
Friend of God John 15:15
children of light, children of the day  I Thess 5:5
Bought with a price I Cor 6:20
Sealed with the Holy Spirit Eph 1:13
Citizen of heaven Phil 3:20


I don't know about you, but these "labels" are much more valuable than the ones I give my self, allow the world to give me, or accept from the accuser.  Are there more you can add?  I know there are.  Send them to me, if you have some more.  We can add them to the list.  

Redeemed Is one of my favorite songs.  

Reflections

Welcome to my new home on the great wide expanse we call the internet.
I know I know, but you already have a blog (or two) you say.  You haven't written anything on them in ages you say.
Yes, You'd be right.  I do have two other blogs in cyber space.

One, the Alley Zoo which was supposed to a way for family to keep up with our happenings.  Then facebook came along and all my fam went there - so why type up long posts and host pictures when one can just plop up  quick status?

Two: A Walk in the Dark - is about the journey I have been on with my mom and her EOAD.
It was easier to deal with that journey by writing. It helped me make it through the toughest part.  I could update everyone all at once with out having to tell the same thing over and over again.

But, neither one of those are where I wanted to start this writing.  A lot has happened to me since 2012.  A lot. I have grown tremendously in the Lord - though I still fail miserably at times.  I see the growth.  I wish I had journal-ed or blogged it better than I have.  But I didn't.  Some of my growth was just for me.  But some of it wasn't.  Some of it, I know was supposed to be shared.  So I'm going to start now.  I hope you'll come along, and read what interests you.  Don't read what doesn't.

But I hope and pray from all that is within me that it glorifies the Father.  He's the reason I live and breathe, and I want to share that with others.  I want to be honest, with the triumphs and miracles I have experienced, and the valleys and failures I've come through.  Through it all, there is been one constant.  God. Jesus. the Holy Spirit.

There has been healing, provision, travel, mountains (literal and spiritual) and valleys along the way.  But I wouldnt change a thing.  They've all be necessary to get me where I am.  I look forward to the future things in my path, because I know they will grow me further.